Friday, July 28, 2006
something's wrong wif me this few days...
i hate e dark...
i used 2 like e dark...
its peaceful...
quiet...
and secure...
this few days...
its nth but misery...
tears...
n memories...
i really wished that i don hav e ability to think....
or 2 feel...
i wish i didnt noe wad is pain..
conscience...
anger...
2day feels different though...
it feels as if e well is dried up...
i donno...
i m juz gonna run away again tml...
wishing;
22:26
something's wrong wif me this few days...
i hate e dark...
i used 2 like e dark...
its peaceful...
quiet...
and secure...
this few days...
its nth but misery...
tears...
n memories...
i really wished that i don hav e ability to think....
or 2 feel...
i wish i didnt noe wad is pain..
conscience...
anger...
2day feels different though...
it feels as if e well is dried up...
i donno...
i m juz gonna run away again tml...
wishing;
22:26
Thursday, July 27, 2006
this blog has become so open...
tat i debated e whole day 2 c if i should pen down my tots...
n at e end of e day...
i still donno...
i wanna let things out...
yet by doing so...
i m only inviting toks...
lots of them...
i nid 2 find other ways of bringing my thoughts out...
anyway...
decided tat i didnt wanna go 2 sch 2day...
needed time alone...
away from people...
the truth is hidden behind the light...
only in e dark can u c the truth...
wishing;
20:20
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The talk we had yesterday was fun…
But wad I say…
I intend 2 do…
I don care if u say I like him…
I don care if wad u say is true…
Don plan 2 do wad u say…
I m no fighter…
M nothing but a coward in this game…
Will never be e one hu invites trouble…
Nor hurt…
I’ll seal it all up in a bottle…
N tat bottle in a box….
N e box surrounded by heavy thick chains wif a lock tat no 1 has key to….
Not even me…
N I’ll bury it far away…
6 feet underground…
At a place where not even me can find it…
Ever again…
Never again will any1 see anything…
This will be e last entry I write…
I mean it….
On this chapter of my life…
End of chapter
wishing;
09:19
Saturday, July 22, 2006
when will it end???
blow after blow...
it ends when i die???
it ends when i changed???
it ends when i m gone???
mayb deciding not 2 go church 2day was a good thing after all...
it took loads off my mind...
like not going 2 c sum ppl...
i nid 2 plan wad 2 do from next week...
think i'll hang out wif e gang...
miss them loads...
wif them i noe hu i m...
wif u guys...
heck...
i don even noe u guys now...
it's fine wif me...
all i'll b is lonely...
but loneliness can b driven away...
n u wont even noe anything...
coz u cant c anything...
not thru me...
not surrounding me...
wishing;
22:26
Thursday, July 20, 2006
rollercoaster time of e year???
in my life???
right now???
freak...
i m still debating whether i should bottle those feelings up???
after ytd's lil talk...
and boom...
life throws shit at me 2day....
on top of tat...
i m still clearing my tots on my last memory...
wth...
i really wanna blow them all out...
clear away those emotion...
giv myself sum peace...
wishing;
18:34
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
tat day sam let us watch smth...
n i tot of smth...
was suppose 2 blog it out...
but no time...
actually is i 4got la...
lol...
i m laming...
anyway...
i've been wondering 4 2 nitex...
wad is worst???
being thr when she leaves?
or...
not being thr when she leaves?
i wish i was there...
i really do...
i wanna spend time b4 tat wif her...
if i knew it would happen den...
should i agree 2 let her go australia???
being there is painful...
not being there is also painful...
this is e 2nd time it happened...
and when it happened...
i was having fun...
guilty???
wishing;
14:49
Saturday, July 15, 2006
i donno me anymore...
i donno if i noe any1 anymore...
i donno if my judgement is true anymore...
i donno anything anymore...
trying 2 find e real me again...
the bassoon wondered if the bassoon is deaf...
perhaps it was the bassoon who cannot hear its own sound...
rather the bassoon blames the soloist for being to loud...
wishing;
18:46
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
a lot of things got me thinking...
but i m currently in no mood for any of these...
i m tired...
i really m...
i m juz gonna sleep on my bed after posting this entry...
n yes i noe its early....
but i don care...
even if i woke up later...
i still don care...
i can help if ppl r willing 2 let me help...
but like duh...
he doesnt wan me 2 help...
so how m i suppose to help???
n i get crap out of it...
tok so much u go help la...
but no...
u say syllabus diff n etc...
wadeva....
e solos 4 e piece thinks e bassoon is 2 soft....
tells e conductor hu asked them 2 soften a lil...
coz e bassoon can only be louder wif others' help...
yet they continue to blast out loud...
wad kind of strings r u trying 2 pull???
u disappear wif out telling me...
as if i don exist at all....
nvm...
u got someone else...
wadeva....
den u send me smth....
i mean wad e hell man...
wad r u trying 2 send across???
tat u noe tat i m still around???
now i noe wad patches feels...
when we came down 2 singapore...
n when we went bac 2 c her...
n when we left again...
e 2 of u r alike...
stop giving me smth juz 2 take it bac again...
if ur juz doing it 4 fun...
den obviously u hav nth better 2 do...
wishing;
20:31
Sunday, July 09, 2006
it got me thinking....
m i subjected 2 living as a bassoon in band???
been in band as a bassoonist for 4 years...
my existence was nil...
practically i was thr tats y i m thr....
not coz i m neeeded....
not coz e bassoon is needed...
not coz its an important member in e band....
even e extinction of e bassoon didnt matter...
until e last minute...
m i subjected 2 tat???
i m tired of zoe...
i really m...
if zoe is meant to b like e bassoonist i hav been...
i rather die...
even if i walk away on e spot...
e conductor wouldnt noticed...
even if i play a wrong note....
no 1 can hear it...
is this wad my life is like???
only once in a while e bassoon has solo...
n even den....
if i m not a gd player...
e conductor would scream at me....
m i suppose 2 b like tat???
i think my solo has come n go...
this time...
if i did a gd job...
only e music can tell...
e conductor has yet to a final verdict on my performance...
but i noe ppl r pressuring me 2 play e right music...
i can feel e ppl wanting me 2 get thru e music...
however e music has rejected me...
btw...
my solo piece started on march 16....
n ended beginning may
wishing;
22:16
Thursday, July 06, 2006
hmm....
long time no blog le...
now got urge 2 xpress...
happie bday 2 jas teo...
beana...
jolene...
n mummy...
2day i didnt really think much...
it was a gd n bad dae...
depends on which side u wanna look at...
i juz realise tat i no longer hide things from u...
no longer able to hide things from u...
nor r u able 2 giv me anymore advices...
still...
i wish u were here...
helping me...
sharing me ur tots...
2day as i look at u...
i wonder wad should i hav said 2 u...
should i agree 2 u gg???
happie bdae...
wishing;
18:39
Sunday, July 02, 2006
sry to every1 tat i was mean/sarcastic/ignorance/etc 2....
i wasnt myself e past week...
anger n depression clouded my judgement n tots...
a BIG APOLOGY on my attitude....
n i really really mean it...
4giveness is an essence of life...
now i noe...
admitting ur mistakes is also important...
ytd's sermon really tok 2 me....
i was praying b4 tat...
asking God wad 2 do...
wads gg on....
y m i like this ....
n he answered my prayer...
according 2 e bulletin....
i didnt even think tat he was gonna preach on this issue....
ytd enlighten me...
thx 2 u God....
[ya toking 2 me twin???
from ur bloggy...
toking 2 me or bout me???
n which twin???
never state clearly]
wishing;
10:12